The Bulldog Owner's Test

*The Bulldog Owners Test* By: Carolyn Waller
.
Puppy stage: 8 weeks to 4 months:
.
1.	You are trying to housebreak the puppy, so you take it outdoors every hour to do its business. When back inside the house, this is what happens:
.
	a.	Occasionally it has an accident in the house.
	b.	Within ten minutes of being back inside, it somehow has manufactured more pee and poop and leaves it on the carpet.
	c.	You think you have done a great job training this pup until you find all the hidden piles behind the recliner.
.
2.	You purchase the puppy only the safest, non-breakable toys. Your pup plays with:
.
	a.	Your shoes.
	b.	Chews on the furniture.
	c.	Chews on the bare toes and feet of any human around.
	d.	Shreds his housebreaking papers just for fun, AFTER he has done his business on them.
.
3.	You feed your puppy only the highest quality puppy food made to insure a complete balanced and nutritional diet. Your puppy eats:

.
	a.	Rocks, sticks and grass.
	b.	The cat’s food.
	c.	The cat’s poop.
	d.	Anything that moves - bugs, ants, worms, small children, etc..
.
4.	You are crate training your puppy. During the day he plays in the crate, sleeps in the crate, and acts like he loves the crate. At night time, he:
.
	a.	Pretends to be asleep in the crate until you turn off the light and leave the room, then he starts crying and screaming for you.
	b.	Once the sun goes down, he will not go near the crate, and acts like you are trying to kill him when you put him in it.
	c.	Goes into the crate and pees and poops all over his clean blankets then lays on them so you just CAN'T leave him in there.
.
5.	Your parents would never allow a pet to be kept in the house. Now they are at your home for a visit and you want to show them how beautiful and well mannered your bulldog puppy is. Your pup has been trained and socialized for this big event. When your parents arrive, your pup:
.
	a.	Starts humping on their legs as soon as they sit down and will not stop.
	b.	Goes to the middle of the living room floor and lays the biggest pile of poop ever right on the carpet.
	c.	Throws up in the kitchen.
	d.	Bites your mother on the hand, drawing blood, the minute she bends over to pat him on the head.
.
6.	You have leash trained your young bulldog, it has had all its vaccines and is ready to accompany you to the park. This is how it behaves at the park:
.
	a.	He acts like he is having rabid fits the minute you get him out of the auto and try to put the leash around his neck.
	b.	He has the leash on but apparently does not realize it because he is trying to lunge and run from you to get to all the other dogs and the children at the park.
	c.	He has made such a frightful noise and spectacle of himself that women are grabbing their children and running for their cars.
.
7.	Your bulldog has been to visit the vet at least six times for general checkups and vaccines. You want to take him back for a nail trim and bath. The minute you walk into the veterinary practice, your bulldog:
.
	a.	Cowers and tries to hide under the seats in the waiting room.
	b.	Growls and tries to bite the vet when he enters the room.
	c.	Starts trembling and wets all over the floor and then starts to vomit.
.
8.	You have trained and groomed, and registered your bulldog for his first showing in a puppy class. This is what happens:
.
	a.	The night before the show he jumps off the sofa and sprains his leg.
	b.	The morning of the show he wakes up with a huge cherry eye.
	c.	He gets in the show ring and pees, poops, won’t walk, and growls at the judge.
	d.	He has just decided that he hates all other dogs and makes such a noisy scene that you are asked to leave the building.
.
9.	You have met a long time breeder of outstanding bulldogs and have made arrangements to visit his kennel and show him your young bulldog in hopes of making some breeding arrangements later on. This is what happens once you arrive at his home and kennel:
.
	a.	Your bulldog forgets everything you have ever taught it.
	b.	You discover your bulldog was in the back eating all its paperwork - the registration papers, the vaccine records and its pedigree, en route.
	c.	Your bulldog suddenly develops diarrhea and vomits the minute you arrive.
	d.	You realize that all of a sudden your bulldog looks like a giant tick - big round body and little tiny head, and with legs that look like toothpicks.
.
Young adult stage - 8 to 18 months:
.
10.	Your bulldog has almost matured and has been very healthy. The vet bills should now be to a minimum. You anticipate only the expense of the yearly booster and the three year rabies shot. This is what happens:
.
	a.	All of a sudden he has developed a taste for rocks and swallows a few, begins vomiting and has to spend three days at the doggie hospital for these rocks to pass.
	b.	With no warning, his cute little screwed tail is now smelly and infected and you have to consider having it amputated.
	c.	His eyes are now runny and wet and he is blinking all the time. The vet says this is entropion and you must have this surgically corrected, and you should never breed this bulldog because of this defect.
.
11.	You are so anxious to breed your beautiful little female and you expect her to have her first cycle around eight months of age. You planned to wait until the second cycle which would be six months later and have a beautiful litter of pups during the fall when it would be most easy to take care of them. What happens:
.
	a.	She does not have her first cycle until she is eleven months old and if you wait until the second cycle to breed, the pups will be born in the dead of winter and this would be too risky.
	b.	She has her first cycle just like you thought at the age of eight months. You carefully count the days for the next six months and nothing happens. Finally towards the end of fall, she cycles and you discover she will be on a nine month cycle instead of the expected six month.
	c.	She has her first cycle at eight months, then six months later she cycles again and you realize that she is still too young to breed and because of your work schedule you must wait another year.
.
12.	Your male pup has developed out nicely - to the standard. He is gorgeous and people are already talking to you about using him for future stud service. And then:
.
	a.	You notice he does not look quite right from the rear end. Investigation shows that he has one un-descended testicle. You have to tell everyone that he cannot be bred and you must consider neutering.
	b.	You are all excited about his first breeding date. The female is ready and you are all set up. The female is brought in to get acquainted with the male, she snaps at him and he runs and hides under a table and will not come out while the female is anywhere in the room.
	c.	You are all ready again for the first breeding date and have talked with the owners of the female over the phone. Somehow your male has sensed this conversation and when the people arrive with the female, your male is broken out in hot spots all over his body and looks his worst ever.
.
13.	Your parents will no longer visit you in your home since their first meeting with your beloved bulldog but they have agreed to let you bring the dog to their home for a family get-together during the fourth of July as long as you keep the bulldog outside. You are sitting on their front porch and your dog is playing in the yard, when:
.
	a.	From around the side of the house your bulldog comes running happily toward you with one of your mom’s prized dahlias hanging from its mouth. Further investigation shows he has picked all the dahlias and brought you only the prettiest one.
	b.	You hear your small nephew screaming in fright and discover your bulldog has the child pinned to the ground and is humping him like crazy.
	c.	Your relatives that have never met your bulldog are arriving and refusing to get out of their automobiles until someone gets that vicious dog off the premises.
	d.	Extra chairs from the dining room have been brought out for guests to sit on and talk. You hear a low gnawing sound but are afraid to look. Your father suddenly yells out in alarm and everyone turns to notice your bulldog has been shredding the rung of an antique chair your great, great grandmother willed to your parents.
.
Adult stage - 18 months to 6 years:
.
14.	Your bulldog has matured to be a real beauty. He knows his commands, he is well socialized and you are so proud of him. Long time friends have come to visit and they bring your bulldog a bag of treats. The first thing he does is:
.
	a	Starts to eat a treat, gets choked and falls to the floor and you have to grab him up, reach into his throat and remove the treat and then beat him on the back to get him breathing again. The rest of the visit is spent trying to calm your friends from feeling so guilty about their choice of a treat.
	b.	Laps up the treats, runs around a few minutes, then starts vomiting up the treats. The rest of the visit is spent trying to calm your friends from feeling so guilty about their choice of a treat.
	c	Will not even sniff the treat much less eat it, embarrassing you and your friends. The rest of the visit is spent trying to calm your friends from feeling so guilty about their choice of a treat.
	d.	Is very excited about getting something special from your friends and stays by their sides the entire visit. As they are leaving they tell you they are going right home and find a breeder and purchase their own bulldog. In a split second as they open the door to their immaculate sports car, in jumps your Bulldog and muddies up all the interior.
.
15.	Your bulldog is completely housebroken and never has an accident in the house so you decide to go to the store and leave him loose inside since you will only be gone a very short time. You return home to find:
.
	a.	He has gone into your bedroom and pooped right in the middle of the bed.
	b.	He has peed on your new sofa.
	c.	Both of the above.
.
16.	A distant relative has passed away suddenly and your parents have agreed that since you must come home, they will let you bring the bulldog inside only if you keep him locked in the bathroom off the master bedroom. You understand. After the funeral you go back to their home to get your bulldog and leave and this is what you find:
.
	a.	In boredom, your bulldog has chewed apart the water line leading to the commode and the entire back section of the house is now flooded. Your parents are screaming and pointing to the front door as you rescue your bulldog, sloshing across saturated carpeting and trying to get away.
	b.	Your bulldog looks adorable all wrapped and tangled in miles of toilet tissue and bolts out the door into the living room filled with solemn guests. Your parents do not think this is funny.
	c.	You discover the shower curtain, complete with the rod, has been pulled to the floor. Then you notice that when the rod pulled loose from the wall it brought a big piece of wallboard down with it. You are concerned that your bulldog may have eaten a piece of the wallboard so you have to make an emergency trip to the nearest veterinarian. Your parents will not let you back into their home.
.
17.	Now that your bulldog is grown and you have adopted another bulldog to keep it company while you work, you decide you must purchase a van or a station wagon to carry everything needed when traveling with them. You go ‘car shopping’ and find just what you need even though the monthly payments are $100 more than you had budgeted for the purchase. You proudly park the new vehicle in your driveway and this is what happens:
.
	a.	Both bulldogs act scared to death of the new ‘machine’ and will not go near it.
	b.	You find that it will accommodate one crate quite well but you will have to purchase another second crate just slightly smaller than the one you just spent $100 on.
	c.	You now have to build a ramp for them to get into the new vehicle.
	d.	You are riding down the road with your bulldogs and notice they are both huddled together in the back needing less room than was in your old vehicle.
.
18.	You haven’t heard from your parents in weeks and you call them to see if you are welcome home for Thanksgiving and they hang up on you. You decide that you have family enough with two bulldogs now so you purchase a small turkey and bake it yourself. It turns out beautiful and you leave it on the kitchen table to cool a little before dinner. You are only out of the kitchen for five minutes and when you return:
.
	a.	Somehow the turkey has jumped off the table and onto the floor and both bulldogs are having their feast without you. You slide on the greasy floor and fall on your behind spraining something. Thanksgiving is spent at the emergency room of a local hospital getting x-rays.
	b.	You have baked the turkey and the dressing only to discover while cleaning the kitchen that the box of stuffing mix you purchased is still on the shelf but the box of those little liver doggie treats is empty.
	c.	All the fast food restaurants and the grocery stores are closed for the holiday and you and your bulldogs settle for toasted cheese sandwiches for dinner. And the tears running down your cheeks are tears of joy.
.
19.	Your faithful companions are slowing down. Family and friends are now making short visits to your home. You have given up on keeping a perfectly clean home and your local thrift shop refused your old furniture, so you just kept it and forgot about purchasing new. Now your family and friends are saying:
.
	a.	Whew! What is that smell in here?
	b.	We can’t spend the night, we can’t sleep with all that snoring!
	c.	Why is he/she growling at me? Snort, snort, chuckle, chuckle.
	d.	Who answered the telephone?
	e.	Why are you spelling those words like 'ice cream' and 'shopping'?
	f.	Why do we have to whisper?
.
20.	Their eyesight is dimming and they do not hear so well now but they are by your side as faithfully as ever. They know you provide them with love, food, love, shelter, love, medical care, love and more love. And you will:
.
	a.	Honor them and respect them until their very last day with you.
	b.	Never forget them, remembering every little hair and bump on their precious bodies.
	c.	Tell the same funny stories over and over again to your friends about their funny antics and behaviors.
	d	Swear to the world that they were more human in their actions than dog and you would give anything to have them back with you.
.
Scoring:
.
There is no real scoring to this. If you own a bulldog then I am sure you have experienced situations like the above on one or more occasions. This is true bulldog life.
.
Every ‘bad’ situation described above is a true happening related to me by a bulldog owner. Laugh a little, cry a little and worry a little, then go over and give your bulldog(s) a big hug. They are truly special.